AMERICA, WE LOVE you.

But there are some things we need you to know.

1. First of all, having an Irish great-great-great grandmother who emigrated to America in 1876 doesn’t mean you’re “Irish”

“You’re from Ireland? I’m Irish, too!”

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That’s not really how it works.

2. Sorry, but we almost certainly don’t know your cousins

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Ireland is small, but it’s not that small.

3. Saying “Top o’ the morning!” is neither charming nor appreciated

No Irish person in history has ever said this and saying it to an Irish person will just cause a lot of cringing.

This isn’t Darby O’Gill and the Little People.

4. Also, Irish people are not pirates

Sorry, Shaquille O’Neal, but “shiver me timbers” is a phrase used by fictional pirates and not Irish people.

Get it together.

5. Contrary to popular belief, this is a four-leaf clover and not a shamrock

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You tell ‘em, Dara.

Got it?

6. There is nothing Irish about the “Irish goodbye”

Sure, there’s something very satisfying about slyly leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone, but unfortunately there’s nothing Irish about the so-called “Irish goodbye”.

As Slate writes, it’s just another example of a negative stereotype.

Here in the U.S., the most-used term seems to be Irish goodbye, which, due to unfortunate historical stereotyping, hints that the vanished person was too tipsy to manage a proper denouement.

TL;DR: we did not invent rudeness. Sorry to break it to you.

7. And don’t even get us started on Lucky Charms

Despite what the leprechaun on the packaging might have you believe, we have nothing to do with Lucky Charms.

No, we don’t have them here and, no, we don’t feel like we’re missing out on much.

We promise.

8. Films like P.S. I Love You and Leap Year are not in any way representative of modern Ireland

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Such films would have you believe that Ireland is filled with matchmakers, improbably handsome men and cute hoors who have nothing to do all day except drink pints in quaint pubs and charm American women.

Sadly, this is not the case.

Also, Matthew Goode’s accent in Leap Year? Not an Irish accent.

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Ditto Gerard Butler’s accent in P.S. I Love You.

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Sorry guys.

9. It makes us cringe when you say the word “pint”

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OH GOD, PLEASE DON’T.

10. Don’t expect us to be amused by your gas t-shirts

Oh, good one. Never heard that one before.

As Shania Twain said…

11. It’s St. Paddy’s Day, not St. Patty’s Day

Paddy Not Patty Paddy Not Patty

Okay? Okay.

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